Friday, September 28, 2012
Get That Should Away From ME!
It seems every place I look, I see a should!
I "should" mop the floor. I "should" organize my junk room. I "should" eat better. I "should" ____ fill in the blank. Anything would fit and today I was up to my neck in shoulds; at home and work, internal, external.
Finally I decided, I "should" give myself a break. Never intended on referring to my age, gender or anything else personal on this site. That plan was left in the dust many blogs ago. I discovered if someone is going to tell a story, it's impossible to keep it impersonal. Nice try though.
If you grew up anything like me, we were all "shoulded to death" by family and friends. You should wear your hair up, you should go to church more, you should use more salt when you cook, you should have chosen better when you got married!
That leads me to where my head is right now. My Ozark grandmother, who lived to almost 100 years old, never really understood the power she over me with her opinions. It wasn't just the boys in my family that were told, "Shake it off and keep going." My grandmother was a shining example of never giving up, keep moving forward, don't whine about what you don't have and find the gratitude for the life I made for myself.
Because of her, I am able to make some pretty happy decisions despite what seem like overwhelming challenges. I "should" be divorced right now. I am not. I "should" be focused on my own back nine at my age, instead, I chose to raise my grandson rather than leave him with a drug addicted mom or end up in the State's care. This story is on my other blog and too heavy for this one.
I "should" be retired and had I not taken in grandkids, made many trips to the Ozarks to see family, even when my family told me I wasn't welcomed, I would have a bank load of cash that went into a gas tank, into lodging and food on the road. I still drove the 12 hours so my grandkids would know each other. Since I wasn't welcomed at any family home, I stayed in local resorts, actually roach infested cabins. I made the best of what was not the greatest time. I also, over the years, took in "strays" of all ages (I mean friends of my kids and husband) to help support them when they had no one else at the time. They would stay anywhere from a few months to a few years.
Had I focused only on myself, I could have put that extra money aside and would be happily living on the Gulf coast with several IRA's paying for my icy cold longneck as I became a parot head wannabe watching beach vollyball games. Today, I decided to toot my own horn instead of beating myself up, In my life in general, I felt like I have had a lot of blessings. I chose share those blessings, to help others and believe they would be better for the help they received. I certainly feel no regret that I went into debt and lived hand to mouth so others would have a warm bed and a hot meal. I did my best to try to follow my grandmother's lessons, family is first and we can choose our family. I did my best to help keep my own family connected when it was actually pretty shattered.
Tonight, I won't "should" myself into washing dishes, doing laundry or even watching what I eat. Tonight I plan to "reload my spirit", ignore dirty dishes, dirty laundry, and clutter from a 10 year old who is with his daddy this weekend. I plan to get off that pity pot I have walking toward and instead have ice cream for dinner while I watch a trashy movie that must be in the 1000+ channels on my TV. Tonight I won't fight with myself. I will enjoy my own company along with Mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry.