Friday, May 11, 2012

Swamp A** in the Ozarks

I don't know if this is a term that is used anywhere else in the country, maybe you can enlighten me. My brother, the older one, used to tell me he had Swam A** when we would be outside in the summer, doing anything that required moving around. Even if we just ran through the yard sprinklers to cool off or took a walk to the square, which was more of a circle, where many of the town stores were located. I had no idea what he was talking about and just thought it was my brother's typical gross talk.

Kids now days are indoors a lot. When we were kids, we weren't allowed indoors. Slam that screen door just once, no matter which house were staying for the day, we ended up locked out until dark, only getting a sandwich passed to us attached to a disembodied hand that promptly slammed and locked the door again. If we had to go to the bathroom, it was a choice to find a place in the field and risk chiggers or ticks, or walk to a store.

Jimbo and I didn't hang together much when I was very young, only when I was a teen did we begin to see each other more as humans and less as objects to taunt and resent. He was a football player, a linebacker, so he was a big guy. Eventally, I lost my own identity to become Riggs's little sister. Even teachers in Jr. High and High School called me Riggs, like they did my brother, not by my first name. For most of my adolescene, I was only a shadow of my brother, which may have been why I was so shy, or maybe it suited my being shy, chicken/egg?

The other football players would gather at our house for various reasons. They would come to cook outs or hang out to workout on the weights. I heard them all talk about Swamp A** at one time or another and by that time, just thought they were talking about sinky butts, since my brother's room always had an odd odor, which I finally decided as I was forever closing his bedroom door, was due to he never washed his sheets and wore the same socks over and over again. How I knew this, that's a Rant for another day.

As to my own experience with Swamp A**...? It only started to happen when I added some weight and gravity began to work her magic, when gravity moves body parts from the proper and correct locations to unthinkable locations. The lightbulb went off as the pain began on a hot summer day, I finally understood Swamp A**.

The first time was during a brisk walk around a lake trail in near 100 degree heat. By the trails end, my "end" was on fire!! No amount of baby powder was soothing enough. As my years kept climbing, my parts kept giving in to gravity and what was formally known as my "rocking body" became, expanding gerth. I switched to a bicycle to try and preserve my knees and save my red "cheeks". There was no excape. Swamp A** followed me on the bike as well, reminding me with it's red prickly burn that it was here to stay as long as I insisted on sweating.

Out of the blue, as most good things seem to happen, I was in the bike shop looking for a padded saddle for my bike to help my burning behind and there it was, sitting on a shelf above bike gloves and water bottles. A little round yellow plastic carton with a pitcure of an adorable little furry Dora the Explorer type creature with it's huge smile and bright red monkey butt pointing at me. You know I had to read about this and I bought it. God bless America and Anti-Monkey Butt powder! It found me when I wasn't even looking. Take THAT SWAMP A**!!! If you have never heard of it, google Anti-Monkey Butt powder. If you like the outdoors but like me, end up with sweat dripping from your neck to your back side, if you end up with some pain and redness where it doesn't belong, you too suffer from Swamp A** syndrom and you will be doing the bowlegged Swamp A** walk for until it heals.

Moral of this Ramble, if you torture your sister, she may never tell you about Anti-Monkey Butt powder and if you don't want Swamp A**, find some Monkey Butt!


  1. bahahahaha! i can't say that i have ever experienced Swamp A** (thank least not yet...although everything is beginning to drop and droop!) but i asked my husband if he knew what it was...i explained about your brother and the other football players and he knew exactly what i meant - oh bahahahahaha! i am so sorry that you are experiencing this...thank you for sharing so that i know what to get when i need it - hubby wants some monkey butt powder now - he is a former 35yr biker and said he can understand it being sold in bike stores....but DO NOT share this information with your brother. he doesn't deserve it - bahahahahah!

    your story also reminded me of a female co-worker who i was close enough to that during the summer months she would share about how sweaty her breasts were in her bra. i have never had any boobs but she had some serious ones. only in recent years, what with gravity and all, can i even begin to empathize with her! bahahahahah!

    i am loving these stories!

    your friend,

    1. Kymber,
      I enjoyed reading your reply more that I enjoyed sharing my story. Sorry I have been away, I hope to return soon. Monkey Butt for boobs, you are creative!

  2. Thanks you so much for being one of my blog followers. Here in Australia I have never heard of Swamp A... so when I started reading your post I had no idea what you were talking about. Ha Ha I think I had a confused look on my face. But now I get it.

    1. Davine,
      I hope you never have to know what this is but being an outdoors kind of gal, it is unavoidable for me at times. Thank you for reading my blog as well.